Exactly 37 minutes ago.
I was so ready for everything to be over.
I didn’t want to have to think anymore, to breathe anymore, to worry anymore.
I don’t have “father” or “mother” figures anymore. I’m scared, terrified, even, of the two people that brought me into this world.
All they do is bring me pain.
And on top of that, school. Even more pain.
The starving, the purging, the cutting. It all just wasn’t enough all of a sudden.
It didn’t take away all of the pain anymore.
There’s too much pain to be taken away.
I was laying down on my bathroom floor, blaring music to keep my crying muffled.
God forbid my family realizes what was about to happen.
And sitting there with this little bottle of pills, I looked up at the bottle.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I did.
And through my tear-filled eyes, it appeared to say “HOPE.” (*It really is “HDPE”)
I’ve never thrown something down so fast in my entire life.
It was like a sudden realization of what I was about to do just dawned over me - and I realized that I’d never have the chance to do the things I still want to do - regardless of my situation in life at the given moment.
I know there is hope.
Music saved me the first time.
And now, “HOPE” saved me the second time.
Two suicide attempts since March.
And both times I’ve been given a sign against it.
It’s literally a miracle times two that I’m alive, breathing, and well right now. And I’m so thankful for that.
I’m not okay - far from it.
I know 100% I’m still going to cut and purge and count calories, I can’t just get away from all of that. It’s my security. It makes me feel better, regardless. I can’t help it. But I have hope, now. That things will get better. Maybe someday these habits will slip from my grasp. Maybe recovery will one day be an option for me, who knows.
But for right now - I have hope. And that’s all I need.
For anyone else, tonight, tomorrow, whenever you see this post - I just want to tell your right now - there is HOPE.
Let this be YOUR sign, if you’ve yet to receive one.
This is your sign.
There is hope.
This is your hope.
And if you ever need ANYBODY, for anything at all, don’t hesitate to message me.
Anon or not.
***If the source has been changed, http://www.aqoraphobic.tumblr.com/ or just refer to the URL in the picture, if you need someone to talk to. I’m here for each and every one of you. Anon or not. ♡